I had my follow up CT scan on the 17 March, I don’t like CT scan especially the injection of IV contrast (dye) through my tiny vein, it hurts! IV stands for intravenous which means the contrast is given through a vein. Generally a vein in your hand, lower arm, or near the elbow joint is used. The contrast is used to “highlight” internal organs such as the liver, kidneys, and pancreas. It helps detect and characterize tumors, infection and disease of the vessels. Before the follow up scan, I told mom that I have few nodes under both of my arms, I was amazed with her reaction! She said I worried too much, just small nodes and very soft! Last year I worried about her worried about me and kept my pain with me because I always know that she is not a strong person. I was completely underestimate her beautiful strength!
My CT scan result was excellent, yes no doubt there are few nodes under my arm but the size are not alarming. Dr. Amir was very happy with the results and asked me to go back again next month for another follow up checkup.
Before the scan, I was quite worried about the new found nodes. These nodes made me learn something very valuable! More than 3 years now, I have been trying to become a cancer free person. I tried lots of methods, dietary healing, energy healing, meditation and finally due to the unbearable pain chemo and radiotherapy! My life was researching about cancer. I remember a good friend once asked me how would I feel if one day, the doctor told me I am cancer free? I did not know how to answer him, I just told him that I knew it would happen! 2 months ago when my doctor told me my scan shown no signs of cancer, I wasn’t jumping up and down feeling happy, I was just glad to know I am cancer free! Now, the new nodes came back, do I really bother? Why I have to be cancer free? Why I have to use so much of my energy trying to become a cancer free person?
Thanks to theses few found nodes, now I will focus of using my energy to live and thrive my life with or without cancer!
3 March 1994, night my brother and I were at Aunty Lian Kor’s house in Taman Seputeh waiting for the phone call. My brother Chong Guan was in coma in Jackson Hospital, Missisiippi. I was waiting in Mei Qi and Wei Zhi’s room, I looked out the window praying for The God of Mercy for my brother. Then the phone rang, Lian Kor picked up the phone and was in tears, she then came upstairs and told us Ah Yan (Guan) has gone. I was speechless, I hate myself for not being with him. I left him! My brother was diagnosed with leukaemia on the 9 September 1993, my birthday. No one could imagine after 6 months he left….
Chua Chong Guan
Could you imagine how hard for parent to carry their son’s ashes home all the way from America to Malaysia? The journey….I don’t know how my parent did it. I knew that doctor tried to rescue my brother once, but the second time, mom told the doctor to stop as she couldn’t see him suffered any longer. I could imagine the scene as I saw him the time when he was in intensive care, he was also in coma, piping in his mouth….broken lips…..heart broken….
When they reached KL, my brother Chong Leong drove all of us home to Alor Setar together with my brother ashes. My youngest brother Chong Hong hold the top of the urn and mom said Ah Yan does not like his head to be touched, so she asked Ah Hong to be careful. It was a long long journey.
We reached Alor Setar at night, due to the culture believe, the urn was not allowed to be placed at home. So we brought the ashes to our Sin Quah Chuah Chong Soo, it is our ancestor association hall. When we reached home, mom cried and told grandma that she failed to bring my brother home. A mother lost her son and a grandmother lost her dear grandson….
The next day, with my uncle Quanyong’s help, his ashes was finally rested in the Siam Temple. Every time I come back I will visit him, my beloved brother…..and today is the 3 March 2014, 20 years since he has gone….I still and will miss him but I believe he is with us all the time whether I am here or in Melbourne…..because we are all connected…we are ONE!
For those who has brother/brothers cherish them and love them!
Year 2013 was the Year of GAIN and Year 2014 is the Year of GREAT!
I took my mum to Melbourne on the 1 Jan to visit my house as I left my house last August without knowing I won’t be back for 5 months! I was and still so glad I have very kind neighbour Frank and Stella help look after my house and also my friend Mark help to mow my lawn, also Gabrielle and Gabriele help cleaned and packed my stuffs. So even I was away for 5 months, my house still clean and good! Thankyou all so much!
This trip back to Melbourne was to organise and pack my stuff ready to ship to Malaysia, but mum and I were not keen to ‘work’, so we decided to change our plan just enjoy our stay. So I took mum shopping, dining and cherries picking, she loves it! Catching up with some friends but not all as I didn’t have lots of time there and will catch up with you all again next trip!
I went to see my Melbourne oncologist to update my health status and they are very happy to coordinate with my Malaysian oncologist. My other intention was to get a CT scan in Melbourne but they were unable to get me in until 28 Jan. Again, I do not understand my oncologist still remind me that my cancer is incurable!
We got back to Malaysia on the 14 Jan and went to Penang on the 15 Jan and had my CT scan…..ALL CLEAR!!! NO TRACE of cancer , not in my bladder, lung, liver, gallbladder, pancreas, ovaries, colon, no bone lesion……no enlarged lymph nodes …..Mum and dad very happy ! So as my oncologist! Now just monitoring, another scan in March!
My legs and abdomen still swelling and my oncologist said this is due to the lymphatic blockage due to the previous enlarged lymph nodes and now the lymph could not find its original route back. So I have to wear compression stockings and girdle to force the lymph to flow to its original route! not a big deal as this helps me to have more empathy towards disable people as I have difficulties in walking and squatting! 😉 have to get back to my wall squatting soon.
So….2014 is the YEAR of GREAT and will be greater and greater each and every year! I hope you all will find the same!
Earlier this year, I wrote a letter to Pain as I had been having abdomen pain due to the enlarged lymph nodes/tumour. The pain followed me to India, Malaysia and back to Melbourne. I was in pain when I was in Melbourne but I didn’t tell my parents/family as I worried about them worried about me. I thought the pain would go away one day but it didn’t as I refused to take pain killer. I waited until 2 months later and couldn’t bear the pain and took panadine. It felt so good, the magic of drug! However, when the drug gone, the pain came back. I couldn’t go to work and everyday stay home dealing with pain because I believe one day the pain would go away.
I started worrying about my finance, and my friend Mark helped me to enquire about my insurance and in June this year, my income protection insurance been approved and in July my Death Claim also been approved! Sad but it eased my financial pain!
I had been practising QiGong and my good friend Lake Khee introduced me to Mr. Ooi in Penang and he was guiding me via Skype. He guided me to let go and just be ok with pain as I kept thinking about pain and won’t let go the pain. Very interesting! He then suggested that I go to Beijing to experience the true healing!
My healing journey started on the 9 August from Melbourne. I was excited and full of hope and joys! My ex boyfriend and his now girlfriend drove me to the airport, I think I had finally get over all my grieveness, resentment and anger! Let go of everything….yes everything and welcoming the next big chapter of my magnificent life!
I had an excellent start of my journey, I was upgraded to premium economy class from Melbourne to Hong Kong by just Being! At the airport, I upgraded my Facebook status that I would disappear for 2 months as I wouldn’t be able to access to FB in China. When I arrived at HK airport, I was overwhelmed with all the loves and best wishes from my friends and relatives! I was absolutely blessed and thrilled of being loved so much by everyone.
From freezing Melbourne to hot and humid Beijing was quite a challenge. Beijing airport was ‘people mountain people oceans’ 人山人海 means packed like sardin! My lovely cousin Chong Peng and his wife Yean Khim came to pick me, it was extremely nice of them. The journey to the rehabilitation centre was quite far and the driver couldn’t even locate from the map! I was going to a remote village. The rehabilitation centre full of people from all over China, they are all recovered or recovering from cancer, heart problem, kidney problem etc. When I arrived and they asked about my condition, everyone of them said to me, “Don’t worry, you will be healed!” The class starts at 7.45am, with singing session, then follow with some lectures and then QiGong. Lunch at 11.30am, rest then start again at 2.30pm to 5pm. Dinner at 5.30pm then start again at 7.00pm to 8.30pm. I was planning to be there for 2 months but after 3 weeks due to the hot whether, poor living condition and food. My condition deteriorated and my pain was so unbearable that I had to go to the hospital to get injection. The place to the nearest hospital is 1 hour drive. My parents visited me on the 3rd week as I invited them as I was planning to go to Seoul with them to get re-entry visa to China. During the time, due to the political sensitive with QiGong, the centre is forced to close. The third day my parents arrived, we have to leave as we are foreigners and it is even more sensitive and critical. We didn’t want to be locked up in China. So, my parents took me home. I was in so much pain that, I was on a VIP Red Carpet wheelchair all the way from Beijing Airport to Alor Setar Airport! First to board the plane and special lane to go through custom with escort! Now I have more empathy towards people on wheelchair.
The pain continued when I arrived in Alor Setar, went to the hospital few times to get morphine injection. At last my dad couldn’t see me suffered, he took my scan results to Penang and get advice. When you were in pain, you just do whatever could help relieve the pain. We went to Penang, a very young, handsome, smart and confidence oncologist Dr. Amir Shah managed to convince me to undergo radiotherapy and chemotherapy. I am very impressed with his experience as a young doctor and also impressed with Malaysia medical experience and expertise. Friends were curious and asked why in Malaysia not Melbourne, as I don’t have to pay in Melbourne. The last time I saw my Melbourne oncologist, still same answer, my cancer is incurable and they could not confirm if I could response to chemo. However, Dr. Amir didn’t even mention my cancer is incurable, he suggested radiotherapy to shrink the tumour in my abdomen to relieve my pain then follow with chemo. He would give me 2 chemo drugs, one to slow the cancer from metastasis and the other would kill the cancer cells. Then he would monitor my WBC white blood count, if it drops, then he would give me immune booster. In addition, these are new drugs target cancer cells rather than kill all the good and bad cells. When I asked about the chances of me responding to the drugs, he said 65% of his patients responded to chemo drugs. Another good news was the drug would not cause hair loss, another bonus! My last chemo was on the 26 Dec and I only had 1 drug rather than 2 because I responded to the drug really well, no nausea, no vomit, no constipation but good appetite. I was on wheelchair when having my radio and chemo due to the pain, after finished radio and half way through to the chemo, I was able to walk. We are all very happy with my progress. I am leaving for Melbourne tomorrow with mom to sort out my ‘unfinished life’ since I left in August to Beijing. Then come back again to Alor Setar to stay with my parents until I fully recovered. I am not saying Australia doctors are not good, maybe they haven’t seen as many cancer patients compare to Malaysia doctors due to the population in Malaysia compare to Australia. In addition, there are many Indonesians seek medical treatment in Malaysia which made Malaysia doctors seen more cases. Well, this is just my personal opinion.
This year 2013 is full of pain and it passed so quickly! When I look back now, I forgot all the pain but seeing lots of gain! I am happier because I am with my family, my brothers, nephews and had so much fun just being with them. My brother Chong Leong, the word best brother, when I was in pain and had swollen legs, he helped massaging my legs and kept on checking on me at night and helped mom to rotate shift taking care of me! Dad drove me to Penang everyday for my radiotherapy and weekly for my chemotherapy. Mom cooks and juice for me. Her friends also gave me so much herbs, food for me. Everyone who knows mom, dad and know I am sick, just try to help and made food for me. I am so touched and blessed!
2013 is the year of GAIN !
I wish you all have a wonderful new year and if you think 2013 is not a good year for you, try look at it again and I am very sure you will see it differently!
About 2 months ago when I was in pain and couldn’t go to work and earn my income. I contacted my insurance to apply for my income protection claim. The gentleman over the phone asked if my cancer is terminal. I told him my oncologist said my cancer is incurable, so is it terminal? Then to my surprise he advised I should apply for Death Claim!
I was sad to hear this over the phone but then I told myself this is actually great for me as the death claim would help to lighten my financial burden so I could focusing on healing myself and love myself! How great is this? And who could actually eligible to claim this death claim when he or she still not dead yet! Then when I received the claim form, in order to meet the definition of Terminal Illness, my life expectancy should be less then 12 months! So, I get my oncologist to help with the medical claim form, she said for my case, the life expectancy of my bladder cancer is 18 to 24 months and I have ‘survived’ ( I don’t like the word survive because I am not surviving! I am living my life!) for 32 months and I should be able to meet the terminal illness definition as my ‘death sentence’ is overdue! I am very happy that my oncologist is helping me with the claim. As for me, I do not believe I have 12 months to live!
The only catch is I would not be able to be insured again as I have died once! But then, why should I need to be insured again? I am now waiting for my claim to be approved! Interesting!
As for my income protection claim, it has been approved and enough to cover my daily expenses so it all goes very well. For those of you who do not have income protection, I would suggest to look into it as income protection is to cover when you are total disable or partial disable not that you are jobless. Insurance is to protect your loved one and you.
Do not feel sad reading this post because I am lodging my death claim, the reason for my blog is to share my exciting cancer journey and this is just part of the exciting ONE!
I was once told by my boss that ‘If you fail to plan, you plan to fail! ‘ So, I was always planning for my life…..because of the fear of failure!
Now, I stop planning and trying so hard to be who I thought I wanted to be and the fear just disappeared and I feel exceptionally good with myself…..my health has improved and I am getting better and feeling happier each and everyday!
Just trust yourself as you would be amazed with how smart and wise you really are without trying so hard….
We don’t like to be called Selfish because we believe Self_love is Selfish…at least this is what I always believe!
I was brought up in the culture of giving. Save and give the best to the younger and older. I was also taught not to be selfish. Since I am the eldest in the family, so I became a natural giver. So I relate giving is loving, you should give others first which means you should love others first? This is what I always believe self_love is selfish!
Until recently my cancer progressed and I was in so much pain and couldn’t do anything then I turned more to myself and asked if I love myself? I also came across Anita Moorjani’s book Dying to be me and Sai Baba’s teaching, they both talked about the importance of self-love!
Self-love is not selfish as what I have been lead to believe! Self-love is to love yourself unconditionally, without judgment and just being yourself and live the life you want and not the life you think other people think you should be! Since I have not been loving myself unconditionally then I never appreciate my body that is why I have cancer! That makes sense to me now! Again, I made myself sick!
Again, cancer is a gift to me and this time the cancer progressed is even a bigger gift to me! I like to share good news, I was reluctant to share my latest health situation as I was not being truthful to myself. I was afraid people judge me and ask me why? why? why? I always like to prove I can heal the cancer and I have been trying so hard to heal the cancer because I told myself and to you all I can. This time the cancer progressed and I viewed myself as a loser! I disappoint you all! The Gerson diet is so hard, I am no longer follow as I was living in so much fear everyday thinking that if I cheat the cancer will come back and now it happens as the results of living in fear!
I believe learning to love, accept, forgive, value, respect, and take responsibility for ourselves in every moment of our life is the key to healing and transforming all of our emotional, physical, spiritual pain, illness, and suffering. Relating to ourselves with unconditional love, kindness, and compassion is the key to transforming and healing our past, and so it is therefore the key to consciously creating all that our heart desires here in the present.
I believe we were not born to suffer. Nor were we born to settle for anything less than the best in all aspects of our life. In fact, we were born to grow, to learn, to create beauty, to love wholeheartedly, to live fearlessly and enjoying our lives to the fullest each and every day.
I also believe every one of us is destined to live as a unique, free, and full expression of who and what we truly are. We are destined to realize our greatest potential in this lifetime and consciously create a life that is deeply aligned with our own heart and soul. Each of us is destined to live a life that we truly love; one that is full of purpose, passion, consciousness, peace, joy, health, wealth and unconditional love for ourselves, for others, and for all of Life. Just being ourselves and live the life we want! This is what I am experiencing now! I used to think I would be very uneasy and bored if I am not working because I would feel useless! Now, first time in life that I really enjoy not working and just being and let things happen. My finance has been taking care of and I am now loving myself more and more each and everyday. (I will share more how by just being not doing my finance has been taking care of in my next post! )
I also believe once I love myself unconditionally then I would be able to give my love unconditionally, because we cannot give what we do not have! By loving myself unconditionally and stop judging and criticizing myself. My body starts healing because Love heals………
It has been a while I disappear from here and I guess many of you are wondering if I am ok, well or still around!
I am well and happy!
I went for my holiday back home in Malaysia end of Jan and since I came back in March I have been living with pain. I was so in pain that I couldn’t think and do anything. My parents and family wanted me to go back to Malaysia so they could take care of me, but I chose to stay in Melbourne because I was worried about them worried about me when they saw me in pain! Same as here in Melbourne, friends have been trying to contact me and ask about my condition. I rejected their call and was avoiding them because again I was worried about them worried about me then stressed me out! Until my friend told me I shouldn’t think about them worried about me, I should view it as they care and love me! Then I feel so much better!
I was in pain for about 4 to 6 weeks before I decided to take pain killer and it really helps a lot and now I feel so much better!
About my health! I went for another scan in April, I was so impressed with myself that I have no fear with the results as I told my friend! He said well He worried more than i worried about myself! This is great! Once I told you all my worries then all the worries gone and let you guys worry about me! My results….good news that all my organs are clear! Not so good news my lymph nodes have progressed that’s why I have pain! Not the end of the world !
I have been reading a lot recently. Get to know more about Sai Baba. Also just finished reading Anita Moorjani’s book Dying to be me! Learnt so much from Anita to live fearlessly and just being me. Learnt so much from my Aunty Bee how to just being a Human Being rather than Human Doing! Guess some of you don’t understand what I am saying here!
Let me explain here. For the past 2 1/2 years, I have been living in fear! Even my bladder tumor gone after 3 months of Gerson Therapy, but my lymph nodes still there and I am unable to completely heal because I am living in FEAR, fear of not taking my juices, fear of not doing my enema, fear of not taking my vitamins, my injection, fear of eating meat and all those forbidden foods, fear of not having income to support myself…..that’s why my cancer progressed! I am grateful that the cancer progressed because it again brings me closer to ME…the real ME! I have been living my life that I thought I should be not what the real ME! All my life, I have been very competitive, very ambitious, proactive, persistent…..make things happen! I did the same with treating my cancer…doing this doing that! Since I was in so much pain and unable to work and stay home just relax and listen to me….and just let go and let things happen rather than making things happen….everything just fall into places….like my Aunty Bee told me just Being…..in the moment. Now my finance situation has been taking care of, don’t need to work as I received my income protection claim and government assistance! All these just by Being as friends help me with all the enquires and advice !
Now, I am living fearlessly, I am no longer fear of not having my juices, enema, vitamins. I eat meat when I feel like and eat healthy when I love to not I am fear of cancer! I still experience pain but manageable with pain killer not my preference! I decided to live in ambiguity, every day I am welcoming a new door to my life, I am excited with my new found life journey, full of unknowns
and more unknowns….just let go and live fearlessly and embrace pain! One day, when I open the new red door…you will find a happy, beautiful and cancer free ME because this is the REAL ME! Press LIKE if you like what you read!
We are Human BEING not Human ‘Do’ing! Stop doing and just BEING!
I will continue to write this blog as I have so much so share!
Today is my last day in Malaysia after spending 5 weeks away from my comfort zone downunder. I am looking forward to go back but my heart still here….My Home! I am coming back again in October…..yes another 7 months and I am home again…this time I will be fit and healthy and will catch up with all my friends who I missed this trip!
My father sent me an email the last day I was in Bombay asking me to stay back so mom and dad could look after me as he felt my pain and wanted to share my pain….it was a sweet and short email before he left for China for 3 weeks ‘backpacking’ ! Yes, he is 72 this year and enjoys travelling ‘in style’. He flew to Yunnan, come back via Cambodia and Thailand via train, bus…etc. Awesome!
My high school friends recently told me that a daughter was her father’s lover in his past life. If a woman can’t get together with the man she loves, she’ll be reincarnated to be his daughter in the next life. If a female spirit falls in love with a man, she’ll be reincarnated into his wife’s abdomen to be his daughter. I don’t know if it is true, I don’t have a special bond with my father, everyone is the family ‘afraid’ of him. He is the ‘King’ of the house, we just have to follow his instruction. He is right all the time, even if he is wrong, he will not admit! He has a huge Ego! Sound like your dad?
The first day I arrived in Kuala Lumpur, I have a long chat with my aunty (my father’s sister) about my father. She told me when she was young, all the brothers and sisters afraid of my father, because he was the one who made decision at home. my grandpa died when they were young, leaving my grandma and 10 children. Dad is number forth but he took over as the eldest son’s responsibility in managing the family business. Then, I told my aunty…..”actually….I am very much like my dad, huge ego, stubborn, always want to be right, tough, love challenging…..I could actually see myself in him!’ My aunty was laughing and said to me…when I was about 2 years old, I was already a very stubborn child, once I made up my mind….no one could convince me! She said I would cry at the top of the staircase (as we were living in a double storey shop house) refused to be helped to come down and then later they would hear something rolling down the stairs which was me from the top to the bottom and I was fine because I refused to be held by them to come down the stairs! Exactly like my dad…rather bleed then tears! Why would such a child has this type of character? When was this stubborn seed been planted? Previous life? Why I ‘inherited’ all these characters from my dad and yet I couldn’t bond with him?
I never feel his love so deeply until cancer strike me! Yes, cancer brought me home to my dad and also my mom. My parents dropped everything just to look after me when I was sick. Same as what they did for my late brother and they had to do this again, just imagined how they felt! Every early morning, my mom would wash and cut all the carrots and apples, then my dad would prepare all the juice for me, fresh and nice in the fridge . Prepared my breakfast then drove me to the clinic for treatment, then they both went to fresh market shopping for my ‘medicine’. They would then pick me up after my treatment, mom would cook and they respected me and let me ate my meal before cooking theirs as my meal was tasteless, no oil, no salt, no sugar, no seasoning…just fresh veggie. They just dropped everything and did this for me everyday for 3 months. The greatest love on earth! Who am I to doubt my father’s love to me! and my mom!
After 3 months, when I was leaving for Melbourne, my dad cried…my cousin told me, he cried! And now after 2 years….I could feel his love to me before he left for China….I could feel his love so deeply…..I think we both changed..we both became emotional….and the love between us was so strong yet so distance as we both still very stubborn of showing our love!….so it makes me wonder……was my father my lover in my previous life? What about you? What relationship you have with your father? or What relationship you have with your daughter? Would love to hear from you!
Today is my last day in Bombay…..I don’t dislike India but I haven’t yet fell in with India. Maybe one day I would!
It is incredible to see how the people here cope with their daily life in such a populated, congested, polluted, chaotic, hard…..environment and yet they are still coping extremely well and happy….they just accept and be okay with it! Traffic is congested, nobody follow the traffic rules, cars run over the pedestrian crossing, road condition is bad. Homeless people everywhere, they sleep on the street, no one care. Young mothers with kids every where beg for money, milk powder. Dogs and cows are everywhere on the street looking for food. Why ? Because Bombay is The Dream city, people come here to find their dream!
I love my home, Malaysia because all the people I love are there. But when I am home, I miss Melbourne, I miss my comfy, quite, clean, neat second home! I have been given myself lots of excuses that I couldn’t do this and that due to the heat, the noise back home in Malaysia. Bombay shows me it is possible to do everything and anything in a chaotic environment! How….just be patient and be okay with whatever happens…..nothing work smoothly in Bombay and they are preferably ok with it! Amazing! They don’t get mad, they don’t get aggressive. They are just Okay!
I am going to do the same with my pain, just be okay and be happy…..just like Bombay! The Incredible Chaotic Bombay!
It is amazing….free and peaceful….! You might consider trying!
See you again Bombay! I might fall in love with you next time!
I had my follow up CT scan on the 17 March, I don’t like CT scan especially the injection of IV contrast (dye) through my tiny vein, it hurts! IV stands for intravenous which means the contrast is given through a vein. Generally a vein in your hand, lower arm, or near the elbow joint is used. The contrast is used to “highlight” internal organs such as the liver, kidneys, and pancreas. It helps detect and characterize tumors, infection and disease of the vessels. Before the follow up scan, I told mom that I have few nodes under both of my arms, I was amazed with her reaction! She said I worried too much, just small nodes and very soft! Last year I worried about her worried about me and kept my pain with me because I always know that she is not a strong person. I was completely underestimate her beautiful strength!
Immy Chua 