Immy Chua

Just Being and Let things Happen….


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With or Without Cancer?

IMG_4503I had my follow up CT scan on the 17 March, I don’t like CT scan especially the injection of IV contrast (dye) through my tiny vein, it hurts!  IV stands for intravenous which means the contrast is given through a vein. Generally a vein in your hand, lower arm, or near the elbow joint is used. The contrast is used to “highlight” internal organs such as the liver, kidneys, and pancreas. It helps detect and characterize tumors, infection and disease of the vessels. Before the follow up scan, I told mom that I have few nodes under both of my arms, I was amazed with her reaction! She said I worried too much, just small nodes and very soft! Last year I worried about her worried about me and kept my pain with me because I always know that she is not a strong person. I was completely underestimate her beautiful strength!

My CT scan result was excellent, yes no doubt there are few nodes under my arm but the size are not alarming. Dr. Amir was very happy with the results and asked me to go back again next month for another follow up checkup.

Before the scan, I was quite worried about the new found nodes. These nodes made me learn something very valuable! More than 3 years now, I have been trying to become a cancer free person. I tried lots of methods, dietary healing, energy healing, meditation and finally due to the unbearable pain chemo and radiotherapy! My life was researching about cancer. I remember a good friend once asked me how would I feel if one day, the doctor told me I am cancer free? I did not know how to answer him, I just told him that I knew it would happen! 2 months ago when my doctor told me my scan shown no signs of cancer, I wasn’t jumping up and down feeling happy, I was just glad to know I am cancer free! Now, the new nodes came back, do I really bother? Why I have to be cancer free? Why I have to use so much of my energy trying to become a cancer free person?

Thanks to theses few found nodes, now I will focus of using my energy to live and thrive my life with or without cancer!

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Self_love = Selfish ???

IMG_0045We don’t like to be called Selfish because we believe Self_love is Selfish…at least this is what I always believe!

I was brought up in the culture of giving. Save and give the best to the younger and older. I was also taught not to be selfish. Since I am the eldest in the family, so I became a natural giver. So I relate giving is loving, you should give others first which means you should love others first? This is what I  always believe self_love is selfish!

Until recently my cancer progressed and I was in so much pain and couldn’t do anything then I turned more to myself and asked if I love myself? I also came across Anita Moorjani’s book Dying to be me and Sai Baba’s teaching, they both talked about the importance of self-love!

Self-love is not selfish as what I have been lead to believe! Self-love is to love yourself unconditionally, without judgment and just being yourself and live the life you want and not the life you think other people think you should be! Since I have not been loving myself unconditionally then I never appreciate my body that is why I have cancer! That makes sense to me now! Again, I made myself sick!

Again, cancer is a gift to me and this time the cancer progressed is even a bigger gift to me! I like to share good news, I was reluctant to share my latest health situation as I was not being truthful to myself. I was afraid people judge me and ask me why? why? why? I always like to prove I can heal the cancer and I have been trying so hard to heal the cancer because I told myself and to you all I can. This time the cancer progressed and I viewed myself as a loser! I disappoint you all! The Gerson diet is so hard, I am no longer follow as I was living in so much fear everyday thinking that if I cheat the cancer will come back and now it happens as the results of living in fear!

I believe learning to love, accept, forgive, value, respect, and take responsibility for ourselves in every moment of our life is the key to healing and transforming all of our emotional, physical, spiritual pain, illness, and suffering. Relating to ourselves with unconditional love, kindness, and compassion is the key to transforming and healing our past, and so it is therefore the key to consciously creating all that our heart desires here in the present.

I believe we were not born to suffer. Nor were we born to settle for anything less than the best in all aspects of our life. In fact, we were born to grow, to learn, to create beauty, to love wholeheartedly, to  live fearlessly and enjoying our lives to the fullest each and every day.

I also believe every one of us is destined to live as a unique, free, and full expression of who and what we truly are. We are destined to realize our greatest potential in this lifetime and consciously create a life that is deeply aligned with our own heart and soul. Each of us is destined to live a life that we truly love; one that is full of purpose, passion, consciousness, peace, joy, health, wealth and unconditional love for ourselves, for others, and for all of Life. Just being ourselves and live the life we want! This is what I am experiencing now! I used to think I would be very uneasy and bored if I am not working because I would feel useless! Now, first time in life that I really enjoy not working and just being and let things happen. My finance has been taking care of and I am now loving myself more and more each and everyday. (I will share more how by just being not doing my finance has been taking care of in my next post! )

I also believe once I love myself unconditionally then I would be able to give my love unconditionally, because we cannot give what we do not have! By loving myself unconditionally and stop judging and criticizing myself. My body starts healing because Love heals………

So, do you love yourself unconditionally ?

Sending you all unconditional love……..


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Father and Daughter

father and daughterToday is my last day in Malaysia after spending 5 weeks away from my comfort zone downunder. I am looking forward to go back but my heart still here….My Home! I am coming back again in October…..yes another 7 months and I am home again…this time I will be fit and healthy and will catch up with all my friends who I missed this trip!

My father sent me an email the last day I was in Bombay asking me to stay back so mom and dad could look after me as he felt my pain and wanted to share my pain….it was a sweet and short email before he left for China for 3 weeks ‘backpacking’ ! Yes, he is 72 this year and enjoys travelling ‘in style’. He flew to Yunnan, come back via Cambodia and Thailand via train, bus…etc. Awesome!

My high school friends recently told me that a daughter was her father’s lover in his past life. If a woman can’t get together with the man she loves, she’ll be reincarnated to be his daughter in the next life. If a female spirit falls in love with a man, she’ll be reincarnated into his wife’s abdomen to be his daughter. I don’t know if it is true, I don’t  have a special bond with my father, everyone is the family ‘afraid’ of him. He is the ‘King’ of the house, we just have to follow his instruction. He is right all the time, even if he is wrong, he will not admit! He has a huge Ego! Sound like your dad?

The first day I arrived in Kuala Lumpur, I have a long chat with my aunty (my father’s sister) about my father. She told me when she was young, all the brothers and sisters afraid of my father, because he was the one who made decision at home. my grandpa died when they were young, leaving my grandma and 10 children. Dad is number forth but he took over as the eldest son’s responsibility in managing the family business. Then, I told my aunty…..”actually….I am very much like my dad, huge ego, stubborn, always want to be right, tough, love challenging…..I could actually see myself in him!’ My aunty was laughing and said to me…when I was about 2 years old, I was already a very stubborn child, once I made up my mind….no one could convince me!  She said I would cry at the top of the staircase (as we were living in a double storey shop house) refused to be helped to come down and then later they would hear something rolling down the stairs which was me from the top to the bottom and I was fine because I refused to be held by them to come down the stairs! Exactly like my dad…rather bleed then tears! Why would such a child has this type of character? When was this stubborn seed been planted? Previous life? Why I ‘inherited’ all these characters from my dad and yet I couldn’t bond with him?

I never feel his love so deeply until cancer strike me! Yes, cancer brought me home to my dad and also my mom. My parents dropped everything just to look after me when I was sick. Same as what they did for my late brother and they had to do this again, just imagined how they felt! Every early morning, my mom would wash and cut all the carrots and apples, then my dad would prepare all the juice for me, fresh and nice in the fridge . Prepared my breakfast then drove me to the clinic for treatment, then they both went to  fresh market shopping for my ‘medicine’. They would then pick me up after my treatment, mom would cook and they respected me and let me ate my meal before cooking theirs as my meal was tasteless, no oil, no salt, no sugar, no seasoning…just fresh veggie. They just dropped everything and did this for me everyday for 3 months. The greatest love on earth! Who am I to doubt my father’s love to me! and my mom!

After 3 months, when I was leaving for Melbourne, my dad cried…my cousin told me, he cried! And now after 2 years….I could feel his love to me before he left for China….I could feel his love so deeply…..I think we both changed..we both became emotional….and the love between us was so strong yet so distance as we both still very stubborn of showing our love!….so it makes me wonder……was my father my lover in my previous life? What about you? What relationship you have with your father? or What relationship you have with your daughter? Would love to hear from you!


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A Letter to Pain

Dear Pain,

You came to my life since Jan and I am so pleased to get to know you. You taught me how to welcome, to embrace and to make peace with you since I arrived here in Mumbai.

I will continue welcoming you in my life, embracing and making peace with you. I have faith in you that everything is going to be ok! I hope you have a great stay with me and leave when I arrive in Melbourne. I believe I have had my share of you for the last 4 to 5 weeks. Please leave me at night let me have a good deep rest. Please leave me during the day so I can be like a normal me, going to work, shopping, going out with friends and just be me, happy, healthy and physically fit to enjoy doing everything. Please make peace with me, please, please, please……..I know you can and you will.

I am leaving you don’t mean I don’t love you. You came to my life taught me how to welcome, embrace and make peace with you! One of the best thing happen in my life and I will apply this whatever I encounter in the future…..Welcome, Embrace and Make Peace! Good, bad, joy, sad, fear…..anything and everything…..

Thanks and wish you have a great journey back home !

Love,
Im


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Atonement

undo-iconI love the movie Atonement and have been trying to relate my journey with it….and this is what I found.

‘Atoning’ means ‘undoing’. Few years ago, my colleague told me it would be good if we could have the ‘undo’ button in our life just like the ‘undo’ button in the computer! Those days I thought it was impossible! Now I believe it is possible. How?

We might not be able to undo our action but we could undo the mistaken ideas in our mind.

The following are the insights from A Course in Miracle which explains Atonement.

The purpose of the Atonement is to undo all the errors in our mind. Joining with mistaken thoughts is the source of all our fear. 

Miracles are natural, corrective, healing and universal, they cannot be performed in the spirit of doubt or fear. When we are afraid of anything, we are acknowledging its power to hurt us. Where our heart is, there is our treasure! We believe what we value. If we are afraid, we are valuing wrongly. Our understanding will then inevitably value wrongly and by endowing all thoughts with equal power will inevitably destroy peace.

The means for the Atonement is the acceptance of miracles, which is the correction of our perception. As we listen to the Voice of The Universe, the errors in our mind are corrected. The Atonement uproots the source of fear. As we accept a correction in our perception, we just naturally join in the plan of the Atonement, because minds are joined. We are all ONE.

We are the extension of Love. The more we identify our self as being Love’s extension, the more we will just naturally extend the Love that we are.

By choosing the miracle we are really choosing to forgive and the more we do that, the more we are able to extend this forgiveness to other people. When that whole process or chain is completed, that is the Atonement. In forgiving you, I am also forgiving all the other people in my life, or other lives, who have represented the same problem. All minds are joined. If I have a problem with you then behind you as a specific example of that, would be all the other people in my life with whom I have had the same problem. So that Atonement corrects and heals all aspects of the same issue, even when we are not aware of it.

My blog so far have been about Love, Forgiveness, Miracles, Healing, Peace…..and now it all make sense to me about Atonement!

So, please make use of our Undo button because we really have it…..in our MIND…


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Vitamin Qi

qiQi or Energy…it has no form, no color, no smell…you can’t see, you can’t smell, you can’t touch…..you can only feel….feel with your heart….it can make you feel extremely calm, relax and light but it can also make you feel extremely uncomfortable, emotional, restless……but don’t get it wrong, this is where the healing begins….

I believe in Qi but I never really get to experience the existence of Qi, because I had so much excuses not to learn, I was always busy with work, with shopping making myself pretty, with all those unimportant things in life, I had all the wrong priorities in life! Last April, my friend introduced me to Zhi Neng Qi Gong and I found Sheng Zhong and learnt from him. I wasn’t really practicing much as again set all the wrong priorities in life! Last November due to work stress, I started getting back pain and my swollen lymph nodes were getting bigger and harder….not a good sign!

I decided to try Qi Therapy, I contacted Sheng Zhong and had been seeing him every week since mid November 2012. He channeled the external qi via his body to my body, he also guided me to practice more Zhi Neng Qi Gong, how to visualise and merge with Qi, also practicing wall squatting. After 2 weeks of wall squatting (20 squat x 5 times a day) and daily Qi Gong practice, I started feeling the Qi

Before meal

Before meal

flowing within my body. Last Christmas when everyone was busy eating and drinking, I managed to reach 500 wall squat (200 in the morning + 300 in the afternoon) a day…..I was overwhelmed with the Qi reaction….I feel the Qi when I am sitting, driving, sleeping and standing….it was so powerful and amazing….and this Qi reaction actually made me feel extremely uncomfortable because the Qi went deep rooted into my skin, body, meridian and bone to heal the source of my illness…..it is like peeling layer upon layer of my illness, you feel better one day and the more I do the wall squat and qi gong then the qi reaction come back again and heal the next level. Only one and a half month….and the result is phenomenal from my CT scan results.

I take lots and lots of vitamins for my dietary healing to strengthen my immune and digesting system, before meal I take 4 pancreatin enzyme, 2 acidol pepsin and 4 probiotic to help my digesting system. After meal, I take 4 CQ10, 2 niacin (B3), 3 liver capsules, 8 spirulina, 10 chlorella and 2 megazyme forte. 3 times a day! I inject myself with B12 everyday for the past 2 years! You can do the math of how much vitamins I had taken for the past 2 years! In addition, the juicing and the enema and the rabbit foods…..lots and lots of time and love spending in healing my illness!

Dietary healing helped dissolving the tumor cells and restored my body’s defense system, this method is all about me taking control of my health and life. Lots of time, energy, money and efforts. I chose this method not because I have no faith in modern medicine; chemo, radiotherapy still cure cancer but I would rather take responsibility and control of my life than handed my life to someone else!

After meal

After meal

Qi healing not only heal my illness but my life…..during the qi reaction…..I experienced lots of emotional reaction….it is such a remarkable journey..

Vitamin Qi is free and we all have it within our body….just do not know how to activate it and let it flows…..if you are interested…start with wall squatting. Warning…..only Chinese and Asian able to squat without any effort, because of our gene and ‘squatting toilet’! My late grandma who was 80 years old still used squat toilet!

My B12 injection!

My B12 injection! Fun of injecting yourself!

Happy Squatting!

Lots of love,

IMmy xxx


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Dance with The Universe………..

0It’s Friday but there won’t be any Friday Words of Wisdom as I have GOOD NEWS for 2013!

I just came back from my oncologist appointment for my CT scan results. I mentioned earlier in Dec 2012 that I had back pain and my oncologist decided to send me for a scan!

I was worried that the cancer has metastases but during the whole Dec 2012, I learnt to surrender to The Universe and let The Universe taking care of me, I wrote A Letter to Me to close the 2012 chapter and also connect myself more closely to The Universe and dance along with her! I started my wall squatting and Zhi Neng Qi Gong and have been overwhelmed with the Qi reaction…I feel like I am The Universe and The Universe is me! The feeling of connection and just merge into ONE! Amazingly powerful………

The first response from my oncologist this morning was I do not have enough fat and the scan unable to pick up my lymph nodes (my cancer was originally metastases to my lymph nodes 2 years ago). Then the previously large lesion on my right has regressed!

How I did it?…………..Surrender and Dance with The Universe because The Universe is always taking care of me and you!

Lots and lots of love,

IMmy xxx


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A Letter to Me

letter to meDear Me,

Today is the last day of 2012 and I decided to write you my first and last letter to close this chapter of you in 2012 and welcoming the next new and exciting chapter of me in 2013. I have been spending lots of time with you this year and I believe you feel the same as well. I actually enjoyed spending time with you, it took me 44 years to realise the importance of spending time with you just like what I am doing now. This year, the most precious thing you taught me is to “Let Go” in all expects of my life.

My Career: I have always been very ambitious since I was young…in almost everything. I was not only ‘survive’ as a female engineer in male dominated industry but I thrived as an Asian Woman Engineer in the Western World. I wasn’t satisfied as being an engineer, I went further to get my MBA and continued climbing the corporate ladder. I was at the peak of my career and suddenly I was hit by the C-bomb in September 2010. The C-bomb didn’t stop me from my career dream. After 3 months of intensive Gerson Therapy, I went straight back to work again and forgot how the cancer hit me. I was busy again running here and there making myself important and ‘significant’ again. Until October 2011, I was made redundant. Another C-bomb, this time it was the career bomb 😉 My confidence shattered, completely smashed and crashed! Then I started noticing you! You guided me to look inside myself and discovered the FEAR. The FEAR of being not good enough! The FEAR of being rejected! The FEAR of being not having a job! It was such a powerful insight, once I confronted the FEAR and just be completely Ok and let them go. I set myself free. I can’t change what happened but I can change the way I view it. Now, I have 100% faith that as long as I am fulfilling my purpose, being of service and providing as much value to the world as possible, my career and finances will always be looked after. The Universe is always taking care of me and you!

My Health: Since I started Gerson, I have been very focusing on my diet, my coffee enema, my castor oil enema, my vitamins, my B12 injection, my lifestyle, almost everything that might possibly ‘wake up’ the cancer cells. I was living in fear. I was unable to eat out. I have to carry my juices, my enema bucket and vitamins with me wherever I traveled. I wasn’t complaining because I chose to do Gerson.  It was because the more I read and researched about cancer and what caused cancer, I became living in more and more fear to prevent cancer. Just because I know too much and I also want my love ones to live healthy and I kind of expecting my love ones to change their diet and lifestyle. Then I got upset when they ‘don’t care’. Started this year, since I spent more time with you than my career, you guided me to realise if I can’t control other people, there is nothing much I can do except just be with them when they need me. Recently, you also made me realised that focusing solely on “healing my cancer” was counter productive to my goal. I started relaxing my diet and focusing more on my soul, YOU! I stopped stressing myself and started nurturing my inner baby, YOU. Get you connected more closely to The Universe and dance along with The Universe and just be perfectly ok with whatever that happens because…… The Universe is always taking care of me and you!

My Relationship: It took you  about 10 years to forgive my ex husband, Kelvin. I remember the last thing I told him was what he did to me will happen to his family, didn’t realise that it was a curse to him. It happened to his mother, how he treated me was how his father treated his mother.  I want to apologise to you Kelvin, I am sorry to what I did to you. I forgive you because I knew it is not your intention to hurt me same as it wasn’t my intention to curse your family. Mark, we had a great relationship, we were so compatible in everything but we both knew that all these were never been enough to be together. You let me see the side of me that I was avoiding to face, jealously and insecurity. We both went into the relationship with our emotional baggage. I know that you were very sad when you heard I was sick and you blamed yourself of contributing to my illness. I am sorry of making you feel bad. Please forgive yourself of what you did to me same as I am forgiving myself of making you feel bad. Lindsay, thanks for taking care of me when I first started my Gerson. We had a great relationship as we never fight, I just could’t believe that! I am sorry thing didn’t work out between us since my cancer, I know you care, adore and admire me so much. I am sorry and I know you were angry with me. Cancer was supposed to bring us closer but it made me realise what I really want in a relationship. You are a very nice and caring person, if I was just looking for a man to settle as most women do when they were sick, I will just be with you. I want someone who I can feel….just feel…. deeply into his soul and melt and sink into his soul and be part of his soul…..I am looking for a soul mate who is within me not outside me. I might not find him but I will be ok because The Universe is always taking care of me and you!1_142559 Thanks so much for guiding me through this year and set my career, health and relationship free to welcome the new and exciting 2013. I cannot control what happens to me. I can only control how I react to what happens to me, but I need to remain open to rolling with the punches rather than clinging to whatever outcome I have idolised in my minds.  Always remain open because The Universe is always taking care of Me and You!

Lots and lots and tons and ton of love,

IMmy xxx


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How do you know when you are healed? Part 1

YarnAfter spending so much quality time with Cancer, I realised cancer not just known medically as a malignant neoplasm involving unregulated cell growth. Cancer is the product of years of accumulative unresolved emotional baggage deep rooted inside my heart…..it is just like a messy ball of yarn. I have many friends and friends’ of friends contacted me asked how I healed my cancer, when I told them to look deep inside their heart to search for their unresolved emotional baggage, I never heard from them. It is not easy to face the fear and unveiled your emotional baggage….because it is painful and painful and painful….lots of tears and tears and tears….this is what I mentioned in my earlier post about WHY NOT?

I was and still very fortunate to have a guardian angel guarding me to uncover layers upon layers of my emotional baggage, just imagine like peeling layers of onion…it hurts! This is when healing journey began….

My late brother diagnosed of leukemia when he was 21, on the 9 September 1993 (it was my birthday), he was in Ole Miss, in his final year of college. My dad went to Ole Miss for his first chemo treatment, first treatment was ok. During second treatment, he was admitted to intensive care. I went back to Malaysia, picked up my mom and went to Ole Miss. The moment I stepped into the ICU, I fainted. I had not seen him for almost 5 years, the moment I saw him, I couldn’t recognise him, he lost all his hair and he just looked like a sleeping skeleton! My heart was broken. When he woke up, he couldn’t talk we communicate by writing on a piece of paper. The first thing he asked if I was working there, he seemed expecting me.

I spent about one and a half month in Ole Miss with him. After the ICU, he was discharged and his condition gradually improved. He told me to go home as we still have 2 brothers back home. I left him, yes I left him and I never see him again…..He passed away on the 3 March 1994. My parents brought his ashes home.

I left my brother…this was the emotional baggage that I was carrying with me. I wanted to feel how he felt when he was alone overseas when he received the news he had cancer. I blamed myself that I left him! After 16 years, I made myself sick as I never forgive myself of leaving him. I punished myself! During the process of uncovering this pain, I came to realise this was the game that I had been playing with my brother…..again and again…My brother never blamed me of leaving him, in fact he was perfectly ok with me leaving him and went back to be with my other 2 brothers. Healing needs lots of unconditional forgiveness….I forgive myself of punishing myself for so long, I forgive myself of not trying to spend more time with my brother, I forgive myself of not being with my brother the moment he needed me the most, I forgive myself of making myself sick, I forgive myself of not forgiving myself……the moment I forgive myself, the healing began and after 3 months of unconditional loves from my parents…my tumor disappeared without chemotherapy, radiotherapy or surgery.

How do know when I am healed?…………When I can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain….I finally realise I am healed….In fact, now I talk about my brother, I can feel him, he just next to me and look at me and tell me how much he loves me….


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Friday Words of Wisdom – Unconditional Love

Christmas is coming and we are busy giving and receiving….Christmas is also a time for family to get together and enjoy each other company…..I wish you all open your heart to give and receive all the unconditional love during this festive season….just like our fury friend 😉

 

fury freind

Merry Christmas to you all….lots and lots and tons and tons of LOVE xxx

 

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