Immy Chua

Just Being and Let things Happen….


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With or Without Cancer?

IMG_4503I had my follow up CT scan on the 17 March, I don’t like CT scan especially the injection of IV contrast (dye) through my tiny vein, it hurts!  IV stands for intravenous which means the contrast is given through a vein. Generally a vein in your hand, lower arm, or near the elbow joint is used. The contrast is used to “highlight” internal organs such as the liver, kidneys, and pancreas. It helps detect and characterize tumors, infection and disease of the vessels. Before the follow up scan, I told mom that I have few nodes under both of my arms, I was amazed with her reaction! She said I worried too much, just small nodes and very soft! Last year I worried about her worried about me and kept my pain with me because I always know that she is not a strong person. I was completely underestimate her beautiful strength!

My CT scan result was excellent, yes no doubt there are few nodes under my arm but the size are not alarming. Dr. Amir was very happy with the results and asked me to go back again next month for another follow up checkup.

Before the scan, I was quite worried about the new found nodes. These nodes made me learn something very valuable! More than 3 years now, I have been trying to become a cancer free person. I tried lots of methods, dietary healing, energy healing, meditation and finally due to the unbearable pain chemo and radiotherapy! My life was researching about cancer. I remember a good friend once asked me how would I feel if one day, the doctor told me I am cancer free? I did not know how to answer him, I just told him that I knew it would happen! 2 months ago when my doctor told me my scan shown no signs of cancer, I wasn’t jumping up and down feeling happy, I was just glad to know I am cancer free! Now, the new nodes came back, do I really bother? Why I have to be cancer free? Why I have to use so much of my energy trying to become a cancer free person?

Thanks to theses few found nodes, now I will focus of using my energy to live and thrive my life with or without cancer!

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ALL CLEAR!!!

Year 2013 was the Year of GAIN and Year 2014 is the Year of GREAT!

I took my mum to Melbourne on the 1 Jan to visit my house as I left my house last August without knowing I won’t be back for 5 months! I was and still so glad I have very kind neighbour Frank and Stella help look after my house and also my friend Mark help to mow my lawn, also Gabrielle and Gabriele help cleaned and packed my stuffs. So even I was away for 5 months, my house still clean and good! Thankyou all so much!

This trip back to Melbourne was to organise and pack my stuff ready to ship to Malaysia, but mum and I were not keen to ‘work’, so we decided to change our plan just enjoy our stay. So I took mum shopping, dining and cherries picking, she loves it! Catching up with some friends but not all as I didn’t have lots of time there and will catch up with you all again next trip!

I went to see my Melbourne oncologist to update my health status and they are very happy to coordinate with my Malaysian oncologist. My other intention was to get a CT scan in Melbourne but they were unable to get me in until 28 Jan. Again, I do not understand my oncologist still remind me that my cancer is incurable!

We got back to Malaysia on the 14 Jan and went to Penang on the 15 Jan and had my CT scan…..ALL CLEAR!!! NO TRACE of cancer , not in my bladder, lung, liver, gallbladder, pancreas, ovaries, colon, no bone lesion……no enlarged lymph nodes …..Mum and dad very happy ! So as my oncologist! Now just monitoring, another scan in March!

My legs and abdomen still swelling and my oncologist said this is due to the lymphatic blockage due to the previous enlarged lymph nodes and now the lymph could not find its original route back. So I have to wear compression stockings and girdle to force the lymph to flow to its original route! not a big deal as this helps me to have more empathy towards disable people as I have difficulties in walking and squatting! 😉 have to get back to my wall squatting soon.

So….2014 is the YEAR of GREAT and will be greater and greater each and every year! I hope you all will find the same!

Lots of love,
Immy

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2013 – Year of GAIN

photo-1Earlier this year, I wrote a letter to Pain as I had been having abdomen pain due to the enlarged lymph nodes/tumour. The pain followed me to India, Malaysia and back to Melbourne. I was in pain when I was in Melbourne but I didn’t tell my parents/family as I worried about them worried about me. I thought the pain would go away one day but it didn’t as I refused to take pain killer. I waited until 2 months later and couldn’t bear the pain and took panadine. It felt so good, the magic of drug! However, when the drug gone, the pain came back. I couldn’t go to work and everyday stay home dealing with pain because I believe one day the pain would go away.

I started worrying about my finance, and my friend Mark helped me to enquire about my insurance and in June this year, my income protection insurance been approved and in July my Death Claim also been approved! Sad but it eased my financial pain!
I had been practising QiGong and my good friend Lake Khee introduced me to Mr. Ooi in Penang and he was guiding me via Skype. He guided me to let go and just be ok with pain as I kept thinking about pain and won’t let go the pain. Very interesting! He then suggested that I go to Beijing to experience the true healing!
My healing journey started on the 9 August from Melbourne. I was excited and full of hope and joys! My ex boyfriend and his now girlfriend drove me to the airport, I think I had finally get over all my grieveness, resentment and anger! Let go of everything….yes everything and welcoming the next big chapter of my magnificent life!
I had an excellent start of my journey, I was upgraded to premium economy class from Melbourne to Hong Kong by just Being! At the airport, I upgraded my Facebook status that I would disappear for 2 months as I wouldn’t be able to access to FB in China. When I arrived at HK airport, I was overwhelmed with all the loves and best wishes from my friends and relatives! I was absolutely blessed and thrilled of being loved so much by everyone.
From freezing Melbourne to hot and humid Beijing was quite a challenge. Beijing airport was ‘people mountain people oceans’ äșșć±±äșșæ”· means packed like sardin! My lovely cousin Chong Peng and his wife Yean Khim came to pick me, it was extremely nice of them. The journey to the rehabilitation centre was quite far and the driver couldn’t even locate from the map! I was going to a remote village. The rehabilitation centre full of people from all over China, they are all recovered or recovering from cancer, heart problem, kidney problem etc. When I arrived and they asked about my condition, everyone of them said to me, “Don’t worry, you will be healed!” The class starts at 7.45am, with singing session, then follow with some lectures and then QiGong. Lunch at 11.30am, rest then start again at 2.30pm to 5pm. Dinner at 5.30pm then start again at 7.00pm to 8.30pm. I was planning to be there for 2 months but after 3 weeks due to the hot whether, poor living condition and food. My condition deteriorated and my pain was so unbearable that I had to go to the hospital to get injection. The place to the nearest hospital is 1 hour drive. My parents visited me on the 3rd week as I invited them as I was planning to go to Seoul with them to get re-entry visa to China. During the time, due to the political sensitive with QiGong, the centre is forced to close. The third day my parents arrived, we have to leave as we are foreigners and it is even more sensitive and critical. We didn’t want to be locked up in China. So, my parents took me home. I was in so much pain that, I was on a VIP Red Carpet wheelchair all the way from Beijing Airport to Alor Setar Airport! First to board the plane and special lane to go through custom with escort! Now I have more empathy towards people on wheelchair.
The pain continued when I arrived in Alor Setar, went to the hospital few times to get morphine injection. At last my dad couldn’t see me suffered, he took my scan results to Penang and get advice. When you were in pain, you just do whatever could help relieve the pain. We went to Penang, a very young, handsome, smart and confidence oncologist Dr. Amir Shah managed to convince me to undergo radiotherapy and chemotherapy. I am very impressed with his experience as a young doctor and also impressed with Malaysia medical experience and expertise. Friends were curious and asked why in Malaysia not Melbourne, as I don’t have to pay in Melbourne. The last time I saw my Melbourne oncologist, still same answer, my cancer is incurable and they could not confirm if I could response to chemo. However, Dr. Amir didn’t even mention my cancer is incurable, he suggested radiotherapy to shrink the tumour in my abdomen to relieve my pain then follow with chemo. He would give me 2 chemo drugs, one to slow the cancer from metastasis and the other would kill the cancer cells. Then he would monitor my WBC white blood count, if it drops, then he would give me immune booster. In addition, these are new drugs target cancer cells rather than kill all the good and bad cells. When I asked about the chances of me responding to the drugs, he said 65% of his patients responded to chemo drugs. Another good news was the drug would not cause hair loss, another bonus! My last chemo was on the 26 Dec and I only had 1 drug rather than 2 because I responded to the drug really well, no nausea, no vomit, no constipation but good appetite. I was on wheelchair when having my radio and chemo due to the pain, after finished radio and half way through to the chemo, I was able to walk. We are all very happy with my progress. I am leaving for Melbourne tomorrow with mom to sort out my ‘unfinished life’ since I left in August to Beijing. Then come back again to Alor Setar to stay with my parents until I fully recovered. I am not saying Australia doctors are not good, maybe they haven’t seen as many cancer patients compare to Malaysia doctors due to the population in Malaysia compare to Australia. In addition, there are many Indonesians seek medical treatment in Malaysia which made Malaysia doctors seen more cases. Well, this is just my personal opinion.
This year 2013 is full of pain and it passed so quickly! When I look back now, I forgot all the pain but seeing lots of gain! I am happier because I am with my family, my brothers, nephews and had so much fun just being with them. My brother Chong Leong, the word best brother, when I was in pain and had swollen legs, he helped massaging my legs and kept on checking on me at night and helped mom to rotate shift taking care of me! Dad drove me to Penang everyday for my radiotherapy and weekly for my chemotherapy. Mom cooks and juice for me. Her friends also gave me so much herbs, food for me. Everyone who knows mom, dad and know I am sick, just try to help and made food for me. I am so touched and blessed!
2013 is the year of GAIN !
I wish you all have a wonderful new year and if you think 2013 is not a good year for you, try look at it again and I am very sure you will see it differently!
Lots and lots of love,
Immy xoxo


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Self_love = Selfish ???

IMG_0045We don’t like to be called Selfish because we believe Self_love is Selfish…at least this is what I always believe!

I was brought up in the culture of giving. Save and give the best to the younger and older. I was also taught not to be selfish. Since I am the eldest in the family, so I became a natural giver. So I relate giving is loving, you should give others first which means you should love others first? This is what I  always believe self_love is selfish!

Until recently my cancer progressed and I was in so much pain and couldn’t do anything then I turned more to myself and asked if I love myself? I also came across Anita Moorjani’s book Dying to be me and Sai Baba’s teaching, they both talked about the importance of self-love!

Self-love is not selfish as what I have been lead to believe! Self-love is to love yourself unconditionally, without judgment and just being yourself and live the life you want and not the life you think other people think you should be! Since I have not been loving myself unconditionally then I never appreciate my body that is why I have cancer! That makes sense to me now! Again, I made myself sick!

Again, cancer is a gift to me and this time the cancer progressed is even a bigger gift to me! I like to share good news, I was reluctant to share my latest health situation as I was not being truthful to myself. I was afraid people judge me and ask me why? why? why? I always like to prove I can heal the cancer and I have been trying so hard to heal the cancer because I told myself and to you all I can. This time the cancer progressed and I viewed myself as a loser! I disappoint you all! The Gerson diet is so hard, I am no longer follow as I was living in so much fear everyday thinking that if I cheat the cancer will come back and now it happens as the results of living in fear!

I believe learning to love, accept, forgive, value, respect, and take responsibility for ourselves in every moment of our life is the key to healing and transforming all of our emotional, physical, spiritual pain, illness, and suffering. Relating to ourselves with unconditional love, kindness, and compassion is the key to transforming and healing our past, and so it is therefore the key to consciously creating all that our heart desires here in the present.

I believe we were not born to suffer. Nor were we born to settle for anything less than the best in all aspects of our life. In fact, we were born to grow, to learn, to create beauty, to love wholeheartedly, to  live fearlessly and enjoying our lives to the fullest each and every day.

I also believe every one of us is destined to live as a unique, free, and full expression of who and what we truly are. We are destined to realize our greatest potential in this lifetime and consciously create a life that is deeply aligned with our own heart and soul. Each of us is destined to live a life that we truly love; one that is full of purpose, passion, consciousness, peace, joy, health, wealth and unconditional love for ourselves, for others, and for all of Life. Just being ourselves and live the life we want! This is what I am experiencing now! I used to think I would be very uneasy and bored if I am not working because I would feel useless! Now, first time in life that I really enjoy not working and just being and let things happen. My finance has been taking care of and I am now loving myself more and more each and everyday. (I will share more how by just being not doing my finance has been taking care of in my next post! )

I also believe once I love myself unconditionally then I would be able to give my love unconditionally, because we cannot give what we do not have! By loving myself unconditionally and stop judging and criticizing myself. My body starts healing because Love heals………

So, do you love yourself unconditionally ?

Sending you all unconditional love……..


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Father and Daughter

father and daughterToday is my last day in Malaysia after spending 5 weeks away from my comfort zone downunder. I am looking forward to go back but my heart still here….My Home! I am coming back again in October…..yes another 7 months and I am home again…this time I will be fit and healthy and will catch up with all my friends who I missed this trip!

My father sent me an email the last day I was in Bombay asking me to stay back so mom and dad could look after me as he felt my pain and wanted to share my pain….it was a sweet and short email before he left for China for 3 weeks ‘backpacking’ ! Yes, he is 72 this year and enjoys travelling ‘in style’. He flew to Yunnan, come back via Cambodia and Thailand via train, bus…etc. Awesome!

My high school friends recently told me that a daughter was her father’s lover in his past life. If a woman can’t get together with the man she loves, she’ll be reincarnated to be his daughter in the next life. If a female spirit falls in love with a man, she’ll be reincarnated into his wife’s abdomen to be his daughter. I don’t know if it is true, I don’t  have a special bond with my father, everyone is the family ‘afraid’ of him. He is the ‘King’ of the house, we just have to follow his instruction. He is right all the time, even if he is wrong, he will not admit! He has a huge Ego! Sound like your dad?

The first day I arrived in Kuala Lumpur, I have a long chat with my aunty (my father’s sister) about my father. She told me when she was young, all the brothers and sisters afraid of my father, because he was the one who made decision at home. my grandpa died when they were young, leaving my grandma and 10 children. Dad is number forth but he took over as the eldest son’s responsibility in managing the family business. Then, I told my aunty…..”actually….I am very much like my dad, huge ego, stubborn, always want to be right, tough, love challenging…..I could actually see myself in him!’ My aunty was laughing and said to me…when I was about 2 years old, I was already a very stubborn child, once I made up my mind….no one could convince me!  She said I would cry at the top of the staircase (as we were living in a double storey shop house) refused to be helped to come down and then later they would hear something rolling down the stairs which was me from the top to the bottom and I was fine because I refused to be held by them to come down the stairs! Exactly like my dad…rather bleed then tears! Why would such a child has this type of character? When was this stubborn seed been planted? Previous life? Why I ‘inherited’ all these characters from my dad and yet I couldn’t bond with him?

I never feel his love so deeply until cancer strike me! Yes, cancer brought me home to my dad and also my mom. My parents dropped everything just to look after me when I was sick. Same as what they did for my late brother and they had to do this again, just imagined how they felt! Every early morning, my mom would wash and cut all the carrots and apples, then my dad would prepare all the juice for me, fresh and nice in the fridge . Prepared my breakfast then drove me to the clinic for treatment, then they both went to  fresh market shopping for my ‘medicine’. They would then pick me up after my treatment, mom would cook and they respected me and let me ate my meal before cooking theirs as my meal was tasteless, no oil, no salt, no sugar, no seasoning…just fresh veggie. They just dropped everything and did this for me everyday for 3 months. The greatest love on earth! Who am I to doubt my father’s love to me! and my mom!

After 3 months, when I was leaving for Melbourne, my dad cried…my cousin told me, he cried! And now after 2 years….I could feel his love to me before he left for China….I could feel his love so deeply…..I think we both changed..we both became emotional….and the love between us was so strong yet so distance as we both still very stubborn of showing our love!….so it makes me wonder……was my father my lover in my previous life? What about you? What relationship you have with your father? or What relationship you have with your daughter? Would love to hear from you!


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æŻæ„› Mother’s Love

I was brought up in the environment that when I grew up I had to look after my brothers and my brothers had to look after our youngest brother. I unconsciously accepted the responsibilities to take care of my family, not just me, my brothers as well. My mom didn’t have the opportunity to study, she only finished her primary education, but she insisted us to go to university so as my dad and my grandma. They believe knowledge is our best intangible asset, no one could ever steal it away from us. My mom had her way in invested in some properties with the help of her dad and kept all her money for our education.

I was lucky having the opportunity to study abroad even I had to work very hard to sponsor myself. Working part time in the restaurant and full time during holiday. It was tough but rewarding. After I graduated, I went to China to work and sponsored my brother. During that time, my relationship with my mom was ‘tense’, we had nothing to talk about except money, she rang me when my brother needed to pay his uni fees. I remembered there was once she rang and I burst in tears and told her why every time you rang me just asked me for money…..she cried and said she didn’t know what to talk to me! I viewed myself as a victim not knowing I was the one who distance her, rang away from her love! That was how I ended in Australia! I never try to feel her love and never given her a chance to show her love to me because I never take the initiative to spend time with her and I accused her of not loving me!

I distance myself with her for almost 20 years…..cancer gave me the opportunity to reunite with my mom. I spent the past 4 weeks with her, every single moment. Her love is unconditional, caring and extremely patient. The way she taking care of my nephews remind me how I was taken care by her when I was young. She cooks, teaches, feeds and even plays with them. My nephew loves dragon dance, loves playing the drum. The little one was playing the drum and instructed her to act the dragon using the towel as the dragon head, it was so sweet! I wasn’t feeling well due to my extreme Qi reaction, she was very worried and I could feel her feeling my pain. The past 4 weeks was the best time happened in my life even I was under extremely pain due to the Qi reaction.

Please don’t love your mom from a distance like me! Phone calls, emails, Skye just the ‘feel good tools’.Just ‘being’ with her and feel her.

äžèŠæ„›ćŸ—ć€Șèżœă€ć€šç‚čć›žćź¶çœ‹çœ‹! (Please don’t love from a distance, go home more often)

p/s I started writing this in the train on the way to the airport leaving for Mumbai, I was in tears and I stopped as I felt embarrassed. When I arrived in Mumbai, I told my dear friend I became very emotional while writing in public and felt embarrassed. He was very happy and told me it is very good to get emotional……let it out and don’t feel embarrassed. I am now in Mumbai Starbucks and continued with this post with tears in public…..it feels so so good!

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A Journey To……..HOME….

Flying above the South China Sea, listening to the romantic Chinese love songs while walking down the memory lane…….another 2 hours I will be home……the feeling, the excitement of being home has never been so strong ever…….I miss home! I can feel my tears……

I never miss home since 1986….the first time I left home….and went to Australia. Whenever people asked me if I miss home…..I said…..everywhere is my home as I never really have a permanent address which I could call home……I recalled when I was in China and needed to fill in my home address, My mind went blank……after that I decided to call Australia ‘home’!

After 10 years calling Aussie ‘home’……I had only been back to visit my family twice…once was my brother’s wedding and the other was I organized my 20 years high school reunion! Even before I was working in China, I went back to Malaysia was just on a ‘transit’…to other destinations….traveling to Europe, Russia, Scandinavia…..etc.never really stay long enough…to feel the love of ‘home’….

The past 2 years since 2010, I have been home at least 7 or 8 times…I have lost count….why? Because cancer bring me to my real ‘Home’….the ‘Home’ which I neglected for so many years….the love of my family and friends that I neglected for so many years…….now I am very proud and loud to tell the world ‘I miss home’!

A journey to HOME…..A journey to LOVE starts now high above the South China Sea….I have never been so excited, happy, joy…and emotion….with this trip….

Cancer brought me home….brought me closer to my family, my friends and most importantly brought me abundant of love to rediscover my true self and stopped living in denial…

I am so proud to introduce my home Alor Setar…..the place, the people, the culture, the love where I was nurtured and became who I am today!

30th Jan 2013 4.30am on the flight to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.


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A Roadmap to Healing and Living….

It was a huge shock when you were told you have cancer….the fear, the why, the unknown….you were so sad and yet have to find a way to break the news to your loved one…all those questions, how, why ????

I never dream that I would have cancer because I was healthy and fit. I never try to understand cancer…guess because I was avoiding the C. This post is to share my experience with you on how to lay out a roadmap to healing and living with cancer.

Cancer is not like a heart attack…it just happens and you don’t have the time to make an informed decision with your treatment. As long as you control your emotion and your diet then you still have times to ‘shop’ for options.

From my experience, your oncologist will only suggest chemotherapy, surgery or radiotherapy because these are what they learnt.

The following are the questions you should ask your oncologist if they suggest you with either one of the above treatment:

Overall Survivor Rate –  Overall survival is a term that denotes the chances of staying alive for a group of individuals suffering from a cancer. It denotes the percentage of individuals in the group who are likely to be alive after a particular duration of time. At a basic level, the overall survival is representative of cure rates.

1. What is the overall survival rate if I have chemo/radio/surgery?

2. What was the statistic sample based on? My oncologist told me my bladder cancer statistic was based on Caucasian Male! Surprise!

3. What are the side effects? Chemo might increase the risk of heart disease!

Disease-Free Survival – In cancer, the length of time after primary treatment for a cancer ends that the patient survives without any signs or symptoms of that cancer. In a clinical trial, measuring the disease-free survival is one way to see how well a new treatment works.

1. What is the overall disease-free survival rate if I have chemo/radio/surgery?

2. What was the statistic sample based on?

3. What are the side effects?

Do Nothing!

1. What will happen to me?

Always seek second opinion and ask the same questions. When you have all the answers, write them all on  a big white board and discuss with your family and loved one.

Is survival good enough for you? or you want to be disease free? Can you cope with the side effects? How to cope with the side effects?

Do nothing and seek “alternative” treatment or Natural treatment like what I chose Gerson Therapy, but can you cope with Gerson?

All of these questions will help you lay out a roadmap to healing the cancer and living a life you chose. Take control of your life! Be a Smart “Patient”!

 

 


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A Letter to Me

letter to meDear Me,

Today is the last day of 2012 and I decided to write you my first and last letter to close this chapter of you in 2012 and welcoming the next new and exciting chapter of me in 2013. I have been spending lots of time with you this year and I believe you feel the same as well. I actually enjoyed spending time with you, it took me 44 years to realise the importance of spending time with you just like what I am doing now. This year, the most precious thing you taught me is to “Let Go” in all expects of my life.

My Career: I have always been very ambitious since I was young…in almost everything. I was not only ‘survive’ as a female engineer in male dominated industry but I thrived as an Asian Woman Engineer in the Western World. I wasn’t satisfied as being an engineer, I went further to get my MBA and continued climbing the corporate ladder. I was at the peak of my career and suddenly I was hit by the C-bomb in September 2010. The C-bomb didn’t stop me from my career dream. After 3 months of intensive Gerson Therapy, I went straight back to work again and forgot how the cancer hit me. I was busy again running here and there making myself important and ‘significant’ again. Until October 2011, I was made redundant. Another C-bomb, this time it was the career bomb 😉 My confidence shattered, completely smashed and crashed! Then I started noticing you! You guided me to look inside myself and discovered the FEAR. The FEAR of being not good enough! The FEAR of being rejected! The FEAR of being not having a job! It was such a powerful insight, once I confronted the FEAR and just be completely Ok and let them go. I set myself free. I can’t change what happened but I can change the way I view it. Now, I have 100% faith that as long as I am fulfilling my purpose, being of service and providing as much value to the world as possible, my career and finances will always be looked after. The Universe is always taking care of me and you!

My Health: Since I started Gerson, I have been very focusing on my diet, my coffee enema, my castor oil enema, my vitamins, my B12 injection, my lifestyle, almost everything that might possibly ‘wake up’ the cancer cells. I was living in fear. I was unable to eat out. I have to carry my juices, my enema bucket and vitamins with me wherever I traveled. I wasn’t complaining because I chose to do Gerson.  It was because the more I read and researched about cancer and what caused cancer, I became living in more and more fear to prevent cancer. Just because I know too much and I also want my love ones to live healthy and I kind of expecting my love ones to change their diet and lifestyle. Then I got upset when they ‘don’t care’. Started this year, since I spent more time with you than my career, you guided me to realise if I can’t control other people, there is nothing much I can do except just be with them when they need me. Recently, you also made me realised that focusing solely on “healing my cancer” was counter productive to my goal. I started relaxing my diet and focusing more on my soul, YOU! I stopped stressing myself and started nurturing my inner baby, YOU. Get you connected more closely to The Universe and dance along with The Universe and just be perfectly ok with whatever that happens because…… The Universe is always taking care of me and you!

My Relationship: It took you  about 10 years to forgive my ex husband, Kelvin. I remember the last thing I told him was what he did to me will happen to his family, didn’t realise that it was a curse to him. It happened to his mother, how he treated me was how his father treated his mother.  I want to apologise to you Kelvin, I am sorry to what I did to you. I forgive you because I knew it is not your intention to hurt me same as it wasn’t my intention to curse your family. Mark, we had a great relationship, we were so compatible in everything but we both knew that all these were never been enough to be together. You let me see the side of me that I was avoiding to face, jealously and insecurity. We both went into the relationship with our emotional baggage. I know that you were very sad when you heard I was sick and you blamed yourself of contributing to my illness. I am sorry of making you feel bad. Please forgive yourself of what you did to me same as I am forgiving myself of making you feel bad. Lindsay, thanks for taking care of me when I first started my Gerson. We had a great relationship as we never fight, I just could’t believe that! I am sorry thing didn’t work out between us since my cancer, I know you care, adore and admire me so much. I am sorry and I know you were angry with me. Cancer was supposed to bring us closer but it made me realise what I really want in a relationship. You are a very nice and caring person, if I was just looking for a man to settle as most women do when they were sick, I will just be with you. I want someone who I can feel….just feel…. deeply into his soul and melt and sink into his soul and be part of his soul…..I am looking for a soul mate who is within me not outside me. I might not find him but I will be ok because The Universe is always taking care of me and you!1_142559 Thanks so much for guiding me through this year and set my career, health and relationship free to welcome the new and exciting 2013. I cannot control what happens to me. I can only control how I react to what happens to me, but I need to remain open to rolling with the punches rather than clinging to whatever outcome I have idolised in my minds.  Always remain open because The Universe is always taking care of Me and You!

Lots and lots and tons and ton of love,

IMmy xxx


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How do you know when you are healed? Part 1

YarnAfter spending so much quality time with Cancer, I realised cancer not just known medically as a malignant neoplasm involving unregulated cell growth. Cancer is the product of years of accumulative unresolved emotional baggage deep rooted inside my heart…..it is just like a messy ball of yarn. I have many friends and friends’ of friends contacted me asked how I healed my cancer, when I told them to look deep inside their heart to search for their unresolved emotional baggage, I never heard from them. It is not easy to face the fear and unveiled your emotional baggage….because it is painful and painful and painful….lots of tears and tears and tears….this is what I mentioned in my earlier post about WHY NOT?

I was and still very fortunate to have a guardian angel guarding me to uncover layers upon layers of my emotional baggage, just imagine like peeling layers of onion…it hurts! This is when healing journey began….

My late brother diagnosed of leukemia when he was 21, on the 9 September 1993 (it was my birthday), he was in Ole Miss, in his final year of college. My dad went to Ole Miss for his first chemo treatment, first treatment was ok. During second treatment, he was admitted to intensive care. I went back to Malaysia, picked up my mom and went to Ole Miss. The moment I stepped into the ICU, I fainted. I had not seen him for almost 5 years, the moment I saw him, I couldn’t recognise him, he lost all his hair and he just looked like a sleeping skeleton! My heart was broken. When he woke up, he couldn’t talk we communicate by writing on a piece of paper. The first thing he asked if I was working there, he seemed expecting me.

I spent about one and a half month in Ole Miss with him. After the ICU, he was discharged and his condition gradually improved. He told me to go home as we still have 2 brothers back home. I left him, yes I left him and I never see him again…..He passed away on the 3 March 1994. My parents brought his ashes home.

I left my brother…this was the emotional baggage that I was carrying with me. I wanted to feel how he felt when he was alone overseas when he received the news he had cancer. I blamed myself that I left him! After 16 years, I made myself sick as I never forgive myself of leaving him. I punished myself! During the process of uncovering this pain, I came to realise this was the game that I had been playing with my brother…..again and again…My brother never blamed me of leaving him, in fact he was perfectly ok with me leaving him and went back to be with my other 2 brothers. Healing needs lots of unconditional forgiveness….I forgive myself of punishing myself for so long, I forgive myself of not trying to spend more time with my brother, I forgive myself of not being with my brother the moment he needed me the most, I forgive myself of making myself sick, I forgive myself of not forgiving myself……the moment I forgive myself, the healing began and after 3 months of unconditional loves from my parents…my tumor disappeared without chemotherapy, radiotherapy or surgery.

How do know when I am healed?…………When I can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain….I finally realise I am healed….In fact, now I talk about my brother, I can feel him, he just next to me and look at me and tell me how much he loves me….