Immy Chua

Just Being and Let things Happen….


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With or Without Cancer?

IMG_4503I had my follow up CT scan on the 17 March, I don’t like CT scan especially the injection of IV contrast (dye) through my tiny vein, it hurts!  IV stands for intravenous which means the contrast is given through a vein. Generally a vein in your hand, lower arm, or near the elbow joint is used. The contrast is used to “highlight” internal organs such as the liver, kidneys, and pancreas. It helps detect and characterize tumors, infection and disease of the vessels. Before the follow up scan, I told mom that I have few nodes under both of my arms, I was amazed with her reaction! She said I worried too much, just small nodes and very soft! Last year I worried about her worried about me and kept my pain with me because I always know that she is not a strong person. I was completely underestimate her beautiful strength!

My CT scan result was excellent, yes no doubt there are few nodes under my arm but the size are not alarming. Dr. Amir was very happy with the results and asked me to go back again next month for another follow up checkup.

Before the scan, I was quite worried about the new found nodes. These nodes made me learn something very valuable! More than 3 years now, I have been trying to become a cancer free person. I tried lots of methods, dietary healing, energy healing, meditation and finally due to the unbearable pain chemo and radiotherapy! My life was researching about cancer. I remember a good friend once asked me how would I feel if one day, the doctor told me I am cancer free? I did not know how to answer him, I just told him that I knew it would happen! 2 months ago when my doctor told me my scan shown no signs of cancer, I wasn’t jumping up and down feeling happy, I was just glad to know I am cancer free! Now, the new nodes came back, do I really bother? Why I have to be cancer free? Why I have to use so much of my energy trying to become a cancer free person?

Thanks to theses few found nodes, now I will focus of using my energy to live and thrive my life with or without cancer!

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3 March 1994

3 March 1994, night my brother and I were at Aunty Lian Kor’s house in Taman Seputeh waiting for the phone call. My brother Chong Guan was in coma in Jackson Hospital, Missisiippi. I was waiting in Mei Qi and Wei Zhi’s room, I looked out the window praying for The God of Mercy for my brother. Then the phone rang, Lian Kor picked up the phone and was in tears, she then came upstairs and told us Ah Yan (Guan) has gone. I was speechless, I hate myself for not being with him. I left him! My brother was diagnosed with leukaemia on the 9 September 1993, my birthday. No one could imagine after 6 months he left….

Chua Chong Guan

Chua Chong Guan

Could you imagine how hard for parent to carry their son’s ashes home all the way from America to Malaysia? The journey….I don’t know how my parent did it. I knew that doctor tried to rescue my brother once, but the second time, mom told the doctor to stop as she couldn’t see him suffered any longer. I could imagine the scene as I saw him the time when he was in intensive care, he was also in coma, piping in his mouth….broken lips…..heart broken….

When they reached KL, my brother Chong Leong drove all of us home to Alor Setar together with my brother ashes. My youngest brother Chong Hong hold the top of the urn and mom said Ah Yan does not like his head to be touched, so she asked Ah Hong to be careful. It was a long long journey.

We reached Alor Setar at night, due to the culture believe, the urn was not allowed to be placed at home. So we brought the ashes to our Sin Quah Chuah Chong Soo, it is our ancestor association hall. When we reached home, mom cried and told grandma that she failed to bring my brother home. A mother lost her son and a grandmother lost her dear grandson….

The next day, with my uncle Quanyong’s help, his ashes was finally rested in the Siam Temple. Every time I come back I will visit him, my beloved brother…..and today is the 3 March 2014, 20 years since he has gone….I still and will miss him but I believe he is with us all the time whether I am here or in Melbourne…..because we are all connected…we are ONE!

For those who has brother/brothers cherish them and love them!


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Death Claim

About 2 months ago when I was in pain and couldn’t go to work and earn my income. I contacted my insurance to apply for my income protection claim. The gentleman over the phone asked if my cancer is terminal. I told him my oncologist said my cancer is incurable, so is it terminal? Then to my surprise he advised I should apply for Death Claim!

I was sad to hear this over the phone but then I told myself this is actually great for me as the death claim would help to lighten my financial burden so I could focusing on healing myself and love myself! How great is this? And who could actually eligible to claim this death claim when he or she still not dead yet! Then when I received the claim form, in order to meet the definition of Terminal Illness, my life expectancy should be less then 12 months! So, I get my oncologist to help with the medical claim form, she said for my case, the life expectancy of my bladder cancer is 18 to 24 months and I have ‘survived’ ( I don’t like the word survive because I am not surviving! I am living my life!) for 32 months and I should be able to meet the terminal illness definition as my ‘death sentence’ is overdue! I am very happy that my oncologist is helping me with the claim. As for me, I do not believe I have 12 months to live!

The only catch is I would not be able to be insured again as I have died once! But then, why should I need to be insured again? I am now waiting for my claim to be approved! Interesting!

As for my income protection claim, it has been approved and enough to cover my daily expenses so it all goes very well. For those of you who do not have income protection, I would suggest to look into it as income protection is to cover when you are total disable or partial disable not that you are jobless. Insurance is to protect your loved one and you.

Do not feel sad reading this post because I am lodging my death claim, the reason for my blog is to share my exciting cancer journey and this is just part of the exciting ONE!


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Self_love = Selfish ???

IMG_0045We don’t like to be called Selfish because we believe Self_love is Selfish…at least this is what I always believe!

I was brought up in the culture of giving. Save and give the best to the younger and older. I was also taught not to be selfish. Since I am the eldest in the family, so I became a natural giver. So I relate giving is loving, you should give others first which means you should love others first? This is what I  always believe self_love is selfish!

Until recently my cancer progressed and I was in so much pain and couldn’t do anything then I turned more to myself and asked if I love myself? I also came across Anita Moorjani’s book Dying to be me and Sai Baba’s teaching, they both talked about the importance of self-love!

Self-love is not selfish as what I have been lead to believe! Self-love is to love yourself unconditionally, without judgment and just being yourself and live the life you want and not the life you think other people think you should be! Since I have not been loving myself unconditionally then I never appreciate my body that is why I have cancer! That makes sense to me now! Again, I made myself sick!

Again, cancer is a gift to me and this time the cancer progressed is even a bigger gift to me! I like to share good news, I was reluctant to share my latest health situation as I was not being truthful to myself. I was afraid people judge me and ask me why? why? why? I always like to prove I can heal the cancer and I have been trying so hard to heal the cancer because I told myself and to you all I can. This time the cancer progressed and I viewed myself as a loser! I disappoint you all! The Gerson diet is so hard, I am no longer follow as I was living in so much fear everyday thinking that if I cheat the cancer will come back and now it happens as the results of living in fear!

I believe learning to love, accept, forgive, value, respect, and take responsibility for ourselves in every moment of our life is the key to healing and transforming all of our emotional, physical, spiritual pain, illness, and suffering. Relating to ourselves with unconditional love, kindness, and compassion is the key to transforming and healing our past, and so it is therefore the key to consciously creating all that our heart desires here in the present.

I believe we were not born to suffer. Nor were we born to settle for anything less than the best in all aspects of our life. In fact, we were born to grow, to learn, to create beauty, to love wholeheartedly, to  live fearlessly and enjoying our lives to the fullest each and every day.

I also believe every one of us is destined to live as a unique, free, and full expression of who and what we truly are. We are destined to realize our greatest potential in this lifetime and consciously create a life that is deeply aligned with our own heart and soul. Each of us is destined to live a life that we truly love; one that is full of purpose, passion, consciousness, peace, joy, health, wealth and unconditional love for ourselves, for others, and for all of Life. Just being ourselves and live the life we want! This is what I am experiencing now! I used to think I would be very uneasy and bored if I am not working because I would feel useless! Now, first time in life that I really enjoy not working and just being and let things happen. My finance has been taking care of and I am now loving myself more and more each and everyday. (I will share more how by just being not doing my finance has been taking care of in my next post! )

I also believe once I love myself unconditionally then I would be able to give my love unconditionally, because we cannot give what we do not have! By loving myself unconditionally and stop judging and criticizing myself. My body starts healing because Love heals………

So, do you love yourself unconditionally ?

Sending you all unconditional love……..


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Human ‘Do’ing

It has been a while I disappear from here and I guess many of you are wondering if I am ok, well or still around!

I am well and happy!

I went for my holiday back home in Malaysia end of Jan and since I came back in March I have been living with pain. I was so in pain that I couldn’t think and do anything. My parents and family wanted me to go back to Malaysia so they could take care of me, but I chose to stay in Melbourne because I was worried about them worried about me when they saw me in pain! Same as here in Melbourne, friends have been trying to contact me and ask about my condition. I rejected their call and was avoiding them because again I was worried about them worried about me then stressed me out! Until my friend told me I shouldn’t think about them worried about me, I should view it as they care and love me! Then I feel so much better!

I was in pain for about 4 to 6 weeks before I decided to take pain killer and it really helps a lot and now I feel so much better!

About my health! I went for another scan in April, I was so impressed with myself that I have no fear with the results as I told my friend! He said well He worried more than i worried about myself! This is great! Once I told you all my worries then all the worries gone and let you guys worry about me! My results….good news that all my organs are clear! Not so good news my lymph nodes have progressed that’s why I have pain! Not the end of the world !

I have been reading a lot recently. Get to know more about Sai Baba. Also just finished reading Anita Moorjani’s book Dying to be me! Learnt so much from Anita to live fearlessly and just being me. Learnt so much from my Aunty Bee how to just being a Human Being rather than Human Doing! Guess some of you don’t understand what I am saying here!

Let me explain here. For the past 2 1/2 years, I have been living in fear! Even my bladder tumor gone after 3 months of Gerson Therapy, but my lymph nodes still there and I am unable to completely heal because I am living in FEAR, fear of not taking my juices, fear of not doing my enema, fear of not taking my vitamins, my injection, fear of eating meat and all those forbidden foods, fear of not having income to support myself…..that’s why my cancer progressed! I am grateful that the cancer progressed because it again brings me closer to ME…the real ME! I have been living my life that I thought I should be not what the real ME! All my life, I have been very competitive, very ambitious, proactive, persistent…..make things happen! I did the same with treating my cancer…doing this doing that! Since I was in so much pain and unable to work and stay home just relax and listen to me….and just let go and let things happen rather than making things happen….everything just fall into places….like my Aunty Bee told me just Being…..in the moment. Now my finance situation has been taking care of, don’t need to work as I received my income protection claim and government assistance! All these just by Being as friends help me with all the enquires and advice !

Now, I am living fearlessly, I am no longer fear of not having my juices, enema, vitamins. I eat meat when I feel like and eat healthy when I love to not I am fear of cancer! I still experience pain but manageable with pain killer not my preference! I decided to live in ambiguity, every day I am welcoming a new door to my life, I am excited with my new found life journey, full of unknowns
and more unknowns….just let go and live fearlessly and embrace pain! One day, when I open the new red door…you will find a happy, beautiful and cancer free ME because this is the REAL ME! Press LIKE if you like what you read!

We are Human BEING not Human ‘Do’ing! Stop doing and just BEING!

I will continue to write this blog as I have so much so share!

Sending you all unconditional love…..IMmy xoxo

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Incredible Chaotic Bombay

Today is my last day in Bombay…..I don’t dislike India but I haven’t yet fell in with India. Maybe one day I would!

It is incredible to see how the people here cope with their daily life in such a populated, congested, polluted, chaotic, hard…..environment and yet they are still coping extremely well and happy….they just accept and be okay with it! Traffic is congested, nobody follow the traffic rules, cars run over the pedestrian crossing, road condition is bad. Homeless people everywhere, they sleep on the street, no one care. Young mothers with kids every where beg for money, milk powder. Dogs and cows are everywhere on the street looking for food. Why ? Because Bombay is The Dream city, people come here to find their dream!

I love my home, Malaysia because all the people I love are there. But when I am home, I miss Melbourne, I miss my comfy, quite, clean, neat second home! I have been given myself lots of excuses that I couldn’t do this and that due to the heat, the noise back home in Malaysia. Bombay shows me it is possible to do everything and anything in a chaotic environment! How….just be patient and be okay with whatever happens…..nothing work smoothly in Bombay and they are preferably ok with it! Amazing! They don’t get mad, they don’t get aggressive. They are just Okay!

I am going to do the same with my pain, just be okay and be happy…..just like Bombay! The Incredible Chaotic Bombay!

It is amazing….free and peaceful….! You might consider trying!

See you again Bombay! I might fall in love with you next time!


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母愛 Mother’s Love

I was brought up in the environment that when I grew up I had to look after my brothers and my brothers had to look after our youngest brother. I unconsciously accepted the responsibilities to take care of my family, not just me, my brothers as well. My mom didn’t have the opportunity to study, she only finished her primary education, but she insisted us to go to university so as my dad and my grandma. They believe knowledge is our best intangible asset, no one could ever steal it away from us. My mom had her way in invested in some properties with the help of her dad and kept all her money for our education.

I was lucky having the opportunity to study abroad even I had to work very hard to sponsor myself. Working part time in the restaurant and full time during holiday. It was tough but rewarding. After I graduated, I went to China to work and sponsored my brother. During that time, my relationship with my mom was ‘tense’, we had nothing to talk about except money, she rang me when my brother needed to pay his uni fees. I remembered there was once she rang and I burst in tears and told her why every time you rang me just asked me for money…..she cried and said she didn’t know what to talk to me! I viewed myself as a victim not knowing I was the one who distance her, rang away from her love! That was how I ended in Australia! I never try to feel her love and never given her a chance to show her love to me because I never take the initiative to spend time with her and I accused her of not loving me!

I distance myself with her for almost 20 years…..cancer gave me the opportunity to reunite with my mom. I spent the past 4 weeks with her, every single moment. Her love is unconditional, caring and extremely patient. The way she taking care of my nephews remind me how I was taken care by her when I was young. She cooks, teaches, feeds and even plays with them. My nephew loves dragon dance, loves playing the drum. The little one was playing the drum and instructed her to act the dragon using the towel as the dragon head, it was so sweet! I wasn’t feeling well due to my extreme Qi reaction, she was very worried and I could feel her feeling my pain. The past 4 weeks was the best time happened in my life even I was under extremely pain due to the Qi reaction.

Please don’t love your mom from a distance like me! Phone calls, emails, Skye just the ‘feel good tools’.Just ‘being’ with her and feel her.

不要愛得太远、多点回家看看! (Please don’t love from a distance, go home more often)

p/s I started writing this in the train on the way to the airport leaving for Mumbai, I was in tears and I stopped as I felt embarrassed. When I arrived in Mumbai, I told my dear friend I became very emotional while writing in public and felt embarrassed. He was very happy and told me it is very good to get emotional……let it out and don’t feel embarrassed. I am now in Mumbai Starbucks and continued with this post with tears in public…..it feels so so good!

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A Journey To……..HOME….

Flying above the South China Sea, listening to the romantic Chinese love songs while walking down the memory lane…….another 2 hours I will be home……the feeling, the excitement of being home has never been so strong ever…….I miss home! I can feel my tears……

I never miss home since 1986….the first time I left home….and went to Australia. Whenever people asked me if I miss home…..I said…..everywhere is my home as I never really have a permanent address which I could call home……I recalled when I was in China and needed to fill in my home address, My mind went blank……after that I decided to call Australia ‘home’!

After 10 years calling Aussie ‘home’……I had only been back to visit my family twice…once was my brother’s wedding and the other was I organized my 20 years high school reunion! Even before I was working in China, I went back to Malaysia was just on a ‘transit’…to other destinations….traveling to Europe, Russia, Scandinavia…..etc.never really stay long enough…to feel the love of ‘home’….

The past 2 years since 2010, I have been home at least 7 or 8 times…I have lost count….why? Because cancer bring me to my real ‘Home’….the ‘Home’ which I neglected for so many years….the love of my family and friends that I neglected for so many years…….now I am very proud and loud to tell the world ‘I miss home’!

A journey to HOME…..A journey to LOVE starts now high above the South China Sea….I have never been so excited, happy, joy…and emotion….with this trip….

Cancer brought me home….brought me closer to my family, my friends and most importantly brought me abundant of love to rediscover my true self and stopped living in denial…

I am so proud to introduce my home Alor Setar…..the place, the people, the culture, the love where I was nurtured and became who I am today!

30th Jan 2013 4.30am on the flight to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.


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Atonement

undo-iconI love the movie Atonement and have been trying to relate my journey with it….and this is what I found.

‘Atoning’ means ‘undoing’. Few years ago, my colleague told me it would be good if we could have the ‘undo’ button in our life just like the ‘undo’ button in the computer! Those days I thought it was impossible! Now I believe it is possible. How?

We might not be able to undo our action but we could undo the mistaken ideas in our mind.

The following are the insights from A Course in Miracle which explains Atonement.

The purpose of the Atonement is to undo all the errors in our mind. Joining with mistaken thoughts is the source of all our fear. 

Miracles are natural, corrective, healing and universal, they cannot be performed in the spirit of doubt or fear. When we are afraid of anything, we are acknowledging its power to hurt us. Where our heart is, there is our treasure! We believe what we value. If we are afraid, we are valuing wrongly. Our understanding will then inevitably value wrongly and by endowing all thoughts with equal power will inevitably destroy peace.

The means for the Atonement is the acceptance of miracles, which is the correction of our perception. As we listen to the Voice of The Universe, the errors in our mind are corrected. The Atonement uproots the source of fear. As we accept a correction in our perception, we just naturally join in the plan of the Atonement, because minds are joined. We are all ONE.

We are the extension of Love. The more we identify our self as being Love’s extension, the more we will just naturally extend the Love that we are.

By choosing the miracle we are really choosing to forgive and the more we do that, the more we are able to extend this forgiveness to other people. When that whole process or chain is completed, that is the Atonement. In forgiving you, I am also forgiving all the other people in my life, or other lives, who have represented the same problem. All minds are joined. If I have a problem with you then behind you as a specific example of that, would be all the other people in my life with whom I have had the same problem. So that Atonement corrects and heals all aspects of the same issue, even when we are not aware of it.

My blog so far have been about Love, Forgiveness, Miracles, Healing, Peace…..and now it all make sense to me about Atonement!

So, please make use of our Undo button because we really have it…..in our MIND…


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What is your biggest challenge in Life so far?

We all love challenge! We challenge ourselves to be opened to risk, change and innovation….we also keep reminding ourselves that part of moving forward in life is to continue challenging ourselves and our abilities!

I love challenge….I see everything as a challenge not as a problem. I wouldn’t  say I have difficulties performing this or that, instead I would  say I have challenging tasks which excite me rather than stopping me from doing it.

I challenge myself to become a female star engineer and I did stand up among the males as people noticed me! Just imagine when you are the only Asian female electrical engineer siting in the construction site cabin attending the site meeting with a group of Caucasians engineers, builders, contractors, architects etc. They remember your name compare to other male engineers and they respect and pay attention to you! How great is that!

I challenge myself to set up and manage a joint venture company in Chongqing, China in 1998 before I turned 30 years old. I was the only foreigner in the company managing a toll bridge across the mighty Yangtze River. The Chinese were very sceptical about my abilities and asked why the Malaysian company sent a young lady over representing them. I told them in Chinese 不是猛龍不过江, translate in English is “Non-Ferocious Dragons Don’t Cross Oceans”! I was there for 3 years by myself! Lots of fighting and politicking ….eventually I became very very Chinese and made lots of great Chinese friends who I still keep in touch with.

I challenge myself backpacking alone to the Northern China during the coldest season, went to Beijing to scale the Great Wall then to Harbin visiting the Ice Festival in -25 deg C then took the local train to Changchun then took a bus to Jilin.

I challenge myself quitting my well paid job in China and migrated to Melbourne, Australia without a job and just studied my MBA, because I wanted to feel like being a student again!

I challenge myself learnt skiing when I was 40 years old from beginner to intermediate in 10 days in Squaw Valley, Lake Tahoe. The next year I went back and became advance skier! The experience was priceless….

I challenge myself climbing the highest peak Mt Kota Kinabalu in South East Asia last May.

Because I love challenges so much…then I had cancer….I thought cancer was the biggest challenge in my life…..NO…it wasn’t…..The biggest challenge in my life was ….surrender…surrender…and surrender…

I surrender myself of not to be 110% perfect.

I surrender myself of being ok if I couldn’t deliver my work related projects on time.

I surrender myself of being ok if I was rejected.

I surrender myself of letting go.

I surrender myself of just being myself.

I surrender myself to The Universe and let The Universe guide me everyday……the results are mind blowing…..just expereince the bliss of “Beingness” ( an insight from my Aunty Bee)……

So, what is my next challenge????? My next challenge is Not To Challenge myself…..

What about you?