After spending so much quality time with Cancer, I realised cancer not just known medically as a malignant neoplasm involving unregulated cell growth. Cancer is the product of years of accumulative unresolved emotional baggage deep rooted inside my heart…..it is just like a messy ball of yarn. I have many friends and friends’ of friends contacted me asked how I healed my cancer, when I told them to look deep inside their heart to search for their unresolved emotional baggage, I never heard from them. It is not easy to face the fear and unveiled your emotional baggage….because it is painful and painful and painful….lots of tears and tears and tears….this is what I mentioned in my earlier post about WHY NOT?
I was and still very fortunate to have a guardian angel guarding me to uncover layers upon layers of my emotional baggage, just imagine like peeling layers of onion…it hurts! This is when healing journey began….
My late brother diagnosed of leukemia when he was 21, on the 9 September 1993 (it was my birthday), he was in Ole Miss, in his final year of college. My dad went to Ole Miss for his first chemo treatment, first treatment was ok. During second treatment, he was admitted to intensive care. I went back to Malaysia, picked up my mom and went to Ole Miss. The moment I stepped into the ICU, I fainted. I had not seen him for almost 5 years, the moment I saw him, I couldn’t recognise him, he lost all his hair and he just looked like a sleeping skeleton! My heart was broken. When he woke up, he couldn’t talk we communicate by writing on a piece of paper. The first thing he asked if I was working there, he seemed expecting me.
I spent about one and a half month in Ole Miss with him. After the ICU, he was discharged and his condition gradually improved. He told me to go home as we still have 2 brothers back home. I left him, yes I left him and I never see him again…..He passed away on the 3 March 1994. My parents brought his ashes home.
I left my brother…this was the emotional baggage that I was carrying with me. I wanted to feel how he felt when he was alone overseas when he received the news he had cancer. I blamed myself that I left him! After 16 years, I made myself sick as I never forgive myself of leaving him. I punished myself! During the process of uncovering this pain, I came to realise this was the game that I had been playing with my brother…..again and again…My brother never blamed me of leaving him, in fact he was perfectly ok with me leaving him and went back to be with my other 2 brothers. Healing needs lots of unconditional forgiveness….I forgive myself of punishing myself for so long, I forgive myself of not trying to spend more time with my brother, I forgive myself of not being with my brother the moment he needed me the most, I forgive myself of making myself sick, I forgive myself of not forgiving myself……the moment I forgive myself, the healing began and after 3 months of unconditional loves from my parents…my tumor disappeared without chemotherapy, radiotherapy or surgery.
How do know when I am healed?…………When I can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain….I finally realise I am healed….In fact, now I talk about my brother, I can feel him, he just next to me and look at me and tell me how much he loves me….